Queen Prepares For Christmas

They had cut down a Christmas tree in the forest next to the castle. The tree had been brought in like a trussed turkey and then it was placed in a large terracotta vase and placed in the hallway.

The Press Secretary had refused to decorate it as it was not in his job description. The Queen was in a strop that morning for other resaons, though. Meanwhile the tree remained in its natural state and really the Press Secretary thought that it was better like that. These baubles, the kitsch decorations and twinkling lights made it look like a gaudy clown.


The Press Secretary dreaded Christmas too and the the Royal couple were torn between nostaligia for Christmas broadcasts and having the enlarged family around them as they gorged on pheasant and other unfortunate birds who had had the misfortune to be in the wrong place at the wrong time. Shooting parties indeed!

The Press Secretary picked up a copy of the underground paper 'The Royals Who Stayed'. It was a daring publication and the editors and staff risked imprisonment if they were caught. It now had a readership of 45,000 readers or so.

The Queen went into a BBB (Blame Bolshie Blair) when she saw the headlines. None of the NERD press had dared carry those headlines but the police had been to No.10 and had interviewed 'Call me Tony' in a delicate enquiry relating to allegations that certain honours (like knighthoods) had been sold in return for large sums which had gone into his party coffers.

"That is disgusting!" the Queen exploded. "How dare he sell MY honours!"

"Nothing has been proved yet - in any case it will all be shoved under the carpet - no NERD paper would even dare mention that story!" the Press Secretary laughed bitterly.

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Queen Seeks Careful Tenants

"Now" the Queen said, "we do need to set the right tone in describing the property".

The Press Secretary suppressed a yawn (successfully) and tore himself away from the Daily Mail with its Middle England preoccupations- Santa Claus (because he had a big fat stomach) was not to be emulated, health experts warned and actresses who had been at the Botox again.

"Of course - now, do we want to describe the delightful setting?" he asked "Look at what I found on the Internet - just to give you an idea " he laughed

'The property is nestled in a very big forest and it's filled with hundreds of olive"

The Queen smiled "Can't see the house for all the olives?"

"Sounds spooky" said the Prince Consort who had just skated in on his Heelys.

"There are some trees but we want to give the impression of light,shade and absolute silence" said the Queen


"How about this, the Press Secretary giggled 'there are numerous romantic nooks where one can relax or paint or write also in the olive groove"

"Grove, surely?" said the Queen

"Just a typo but I am afraid these Italian owners have not had the English checked by a native speaker"

"And they go on.... ' there are also some corner with a stone table ........ look is understated and stylish ... the residence is a light and charming traditional stone house in a cheerful high position".

They burst out laughing "Nothing like a cheerful highposition" PC guffawed.

'This is the best one I have found ... listen ... 'There is a big laundry to use to the guests with washing machine and dryer!"

"So, if you arrive all sweaty you will get a thorough wash 'n dry before being given the keys to the property! the Queen laughed.

"My favourite one though is the ad for a Rome hotel which states that it is in a 'Suggestive Palace of 1640'!
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The Queen's Accent

Another difficult morning ahead. The Press Secretary wondered why he had not taken early retirement. The papers were full of the Queen's accent ! They were saying that in spite of her accent having changed over 50 years which had brought her closer to her people, the monarchy was still an anachronism and the results of the referendum were perfectly in keeping with the mood of the country! Given that the referendum had split the country in half, the Queen would be extremely cross if she read this.

According to The Journal of Phonetics, the Queen's accent had gradually changed over the years and the phonetician had listened to every Queen's Christmas message since 1952!
How boring, the Press Secretary thought. He quickly put these unloyal thoughts from his mind as he read the report.

It was the vowels that had done it. 'Thet men in the bleck het' in 1952 had now become 'That man in the black hat' in 2006.
Thank goodness, the Press Secretary thought. Now people were opening their mouths wider and experimenting with a wider range of vowels much to the relief of foreign students visiting NERD.

"Thet men in the bleck het" he said aloud just as the Queen came into the study.

"Have we got a visitor?" the Queen asked brightly.

"No, no, just musing aloud" he replied quickly. He folded the paper just in time as his eye caught another observation about the accents of the rest of the family which stated that Anne's accent was suburban, Edward had a tough of Cockney and the nieces and nephews spoke Estuary!

"You do know that the stables near the orchard are almost ready" he said breezily to distract her.

"Excellent"the Queen said

"We will put ads on our website and try to encouage paying guests to give them a break from NERD - only monarchists need apply" she laughed.

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Queen Forgets!

They were trying to decide what to get in for the weekend.
The Queen was writing the shopping list. She had decided that she would practise her Italian and the Press Secretary who was in a good mood, decided to ignore her spelling mistakes , just this once. One needed to encourage students after all and he knew this so very well as he had been an EFL teacher in another life.

She had written 'proshooto' instead of 'prosciutto', 'formadgio' instead of 'formaggio' and '6 uovi' for '6 uova'. She always had problems with 'ch' being pronounced as 'k' but here she was immovable and claimed that she was keeping up to date with the younger Italian generation who peppered their text messages with 'k's all over the place so much so that the letters 'ch' had practicaly disppeared from their language.

It was only as they were moving out towards the car when the Queen dropped the shopping list. She had taken two plastic bags (she was very ecologically minded and always recycled the shopping bags) and suddenly the list was on the ground at his feet but it was no ordinary piece of scrap paper this! As he picked it up the Press Secretary turned it over and
saw that it was an invitation to a gala dinner offered by Mr. B at the Palazzo Berluke in Rome for 2nd December after the glorious March on Rome !

"Oh, that invitation.... yes, I quite forgot... did not even reply" she said vaguely. "Does it say RSVP?" she asked distractedly.

"Yes, it does actually"

"Never mind, we are not really courting Mr. B any longer, are we -anyway I am sure he has enough to cope with, what with his dodgy knee and fainting fits".

The Press Secretary smiled and thought she might be finally weaned off Mr. B.

"Did I put milk on the list?"

"There 's something called 'late'.

"Yes, we are late....!"

"L A DOUBLE T E" the Queen said laughing." Latte - these double consonants will be the death of me".

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Queen Asks About Mr.B

"I know all about it - that Caravaggio was probably worth only half that estimate of $100 million!" the Queen said a little petulantly. She picked up the Daily Mail and noted with great pleasure that Cherie Blair (of Lady Macbeth fame) had had a go at journalists in general, accusing them of having no moral principles.

"Just sour grapes after the Cheriegate affair" she sniffed.

"And she never learnt to curtsy properly!" she said angrily.

Storm clouds were gathering so the Press Secretary placed a copy of the Italian paper 'Corriere Della Sera' in front of the Queen. She was quite alarmed to see Mr. B. being carried off the stage after he had fainted at a meeting on Sunday.

"Just overdoing it - you know he is a superman, claiming to be a mere 25 when he is only 70. But two to three hours sleep a night does take its toll".

"But all the super secret vitamins, potions, elixirs he has been taking?" the Queen asked.

"But he has had too many sour grapes after his defeat in the elections. Those probably tipped the balance", the Press Secretary laughed.

"It's so funny -look at this photo- you can see him being carried out feet first - even the soles and heels of the shoes are shown close up but not from a side view so no one knows whether he has raised heels. That mystery has tantalized the Italian nation for the last two decades!"

They all laughed and then decided the lunch menu. A light terrine with prosciutto and cheese filling with diced vegetables, followed by an omelette with mushrooms and shrimps. The Press Secretary promised to make them a lemon and lime curd souffle' for dessert.

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Queen and Caravaggio

It was a minefield this morning! The Press Secretary groaned as he saw the headlines - full of the lost, forgotten Caravaggio, found in an old storeroom at Hampton Court, lovingly restored and about to be unveiled in Rome of all places!

The Queen would probably know by now that that painting was worth $100 million and although she could never have sold it when she was on the throne, the idea that it was going into the NERD coffers, would cause her blood pressure to rise at the very least and at worst she might have an apoplectic fit.

The headlines were awful in the tabloids :

'Carelessness Cost EX HRH A Cool Million'

'Treasure Trove in The Royal Attic'

'Haphazard Housekeeping Reaps Bitter Harvest'

Decision. There was no point in hiding the truth, but at least the Queen should be spared some of those vulgar headlines!

He quickly looked through the papers for some tempting titbits which might distract her attention. There were some quite attractive little numbers this morning:

Mr. B on trial with Mr. Mills in Milan for allegedly false testimony
as regards TV legal rights. That might get her going on a TAT (Tirade Against Tessa) - Mr. Mills's wife who had to leave her husband because of the shame or because she wanted to save her political skin?

Divorce rates spiking in Italy - about 3 in 10 marriages failing - mostly due to the mothers- in- law invading the wife's space.
Actually the Press Secretary felt a vague sympathy for the mothers as they were shamefully exploited as babysitters and general dogsbodies.

Tony Blair on another World Peace Mission - Peace ??
Maybe looking for another oil rich nation to invade?.

He folded the papers at the correct pages and waited uneasily for the Queen to enter.

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Queena nd TomKat

"She's absolutely furious!"

"Who?"the Queen asked puzzled

"The Mayor of Bracciano, the town where TomKat tied the knot"
said the Press Secretary.

"Tomcat is a male cat" said PC with great emphasis.

"But that was not clarified in the Scientology wedding ceremony - 'perhaps a cat' - sex not specified" said the Queen.

"Anyway,why is the Mayor so upset?"

"First, she did not get an invite to the wedding and the Mayor of Rome did -so sour grapes there. Secondly , the town was besieged by paparazzi, traffic blocked and then TomKat did not even make an appearance or go on a walkabout- it could have really put Bracciano on the map and the residents might have got a little thrill- you know'Bracciano becomes a Hollywood Suburb'" said the Press Secretary.

"Instead, nobody appeared in the town - everybody arrived surrounded by bodyguards, portcullis up and all the town got to see were a few lousy fireworks and as it was a foggy evening, these were damp squibs. No flowers sent to the Mayor, no telegram of thanks" he continued. "And she was going to make them Honorary Citizens of Bracciano!"

"You know, I think the Mayor is right" the Queen said thoughtfully " They should have done a walkabout - I would have done - I have always respected my subjects- I mean people in general" she finished lamely.

The residents were pleased at least that when all the stars arrived, it was raining!"the Press Secretary laughed.

"At least Mrs Beckham's hat was useful - she was wearing what looked like a flying saucer !" sneered PC.

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